The profession you currently hold, like everyone lays foundation for your future. No life experience work or personal space cannot be judged by others and bears no revelance except to ignore. Ignorance abounds fueled by hypocrisy
Your writing expresses knowledge, confusion, and honesty. You are
Real to yourself and others. Continue to build, don’t look back, be who you are and with the heart you have move at your pace and own inner peace .Enjoy this time of your life but don’t lose perspective .Reach out but never let anyone control you. Always remember you can ..”pick yourself up...dust yourself off... and start all over again....”. I’ve done it more than my share of times but very happy presently..
I come away from reading your postings with a sense you may be subconsciously searching for a dom to help you explore your sub characteristics, especially in the non-sexual aspects. I've known many who cultivate performative personas, especially sexual(ized) ones, who often confuse characterological longings as as result of those personas, instead of besides or in addition to them.
Just Just my three cents... and 30 years of experience in the arena.
P.S. Shulman's tome is, indeed, excellent & automatic canon material.
So happy you’re sharing your writing again. ‘What comes next’ is the essence of life. Whatever you do, keep on writing about it. And remember what the poet Rilke once wrote, “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue.”
As I figured out how to address this article -genuinely, and not as some kind of view grab on YouTube or Twitter - I ended up realising that the organisation of your journey contrasts interestingly to the chaos of mine.
Choosing my "brand" perhaps was -too- self aware. Neither wanting to be attached to my real name (which only persists because I'm too lazy and confounded by the local process of legally changing) I didn't want to limit myself, set myself on a course; be restricted to one version of myself before even testing the waters. And so I became the three most notable and uninteresting parts of myself. Rural, gay, and a boy. The irony being that three years after this vaguery, the death of my YouTube saw me actually narrowing myself into the niches I found comfort in. My avoidance lead to a definition while your definition, shall we say, brought you back to the vaguer form of yourself.
Maybe it's because sex has always been a detached part of my life, or my anorgasmia taking me out of the action, making me a passive observer to my own destruction as a bottom, or dominance as a top, but I don't think anyone is truly "great" at sex. Not in any truly definable categories. The most beautiful coco can be ruined by untalented hips, and even the best stroke game becomes dull when the bedroom manner doesn't lend to the pleasure and connection. And to jump paragraphs ahead, nothing to me can fix the ultimate crime of non-communication. My journey to my fetishes has been long, complex, and character building. They're a part of my sexual knowledge and desires as much as knowing what dick sizes only hit my second hole, and which pass through it. Learning to ask for them took a while, but harder still was to learn to properly resent the promises, boasts, and fickleness of the men who promised to fulfill them.
The times a man has promised to choke me all the way out only to barely graze my throat with his hand, to mercilessly gape my whore hole only to use slow strokes and barely hear me begging for it "harder and faster" because he doesn't want to hurt me, to totally ignore my consent, only to stop every five to ask if I was okay when all I was was mentally falling from a orgasmic plateau I've failed to peak for 18 years of my life. My orgasm, a Korok seed; me, Link with a red stamina wheel; another man's misguided consideration, the rain. perhaps this is the true curse of being a "probottom". Unlearning the submissiveness of feeling like your sexual demands and suggestions somehow are an imposition even as your body is the one pushed through rigorous limits to earn the glorious title of "daddy's dirty fucking whore."
Shame. For me, shame is there too. But again, chaotically opposite. I was perhaps no less a whore, sucking my first dick to get condoms bought for me to use on the first ass I'd fuck. But my closet and extreme social isolation made me a whore alone. Countless dicks, holes, even an orgy before reaching 20, but amongst this, no names, no connections. My envy of your and other sex workers' and pornstars' version of whoring is that it came with so many possibilities. Dicks you sucoed became friends, connections, acquaintances to quell the silence of standing alone In another event, club, or gathering. The gapes if your holes bridged conversation and closed barriers. Basically, my sex was always a part of my life, and the greatest aspect of your perhaps overshared and exposed sex lives was how social it was. How ordinary it became to someone for whom sex was always the shameful side-excursion of a weekend out of town. A pretty picture painted by my own lacking? Most likely, but one I'd hope shows a new light to your experience and how it may effect those it was "overexposed" to.
If we write the pages of our book, then why worry about filling it with everything? All the possibilities and the angles, all the options. Our book is ours but the world is a library and we learn from others as we learn from ourselves. Your life has taught me, both the curated public brand version, and the one that comes out in your writing.
All this (on my walk to work) to say that I can relate to points here, even if only in contrast. Our lives always have an insular element to them, no matter how extroverted we can be, and our whatifs can become big monoliths of unexplored regrets if we let them. Maybe knowing what your journey has helped others see, avoid, learn, or even unlearn, could tear down those darknesses and make your taken path feel less like a "should I have?" And more like a "it's good I have"...even if this still means taking a totally new path in a totally new frame of mind, with a new "brand" name.
The profession you currently hold, like everyone lays foundation for your future. No life experience work or personal space cannot be judged by others and bears no revelance except to ignore. Ignorance abounds fueled by hypocrisy
Your writing expresses knowledge, confusion, and honesty. You are
Real to yourself and others. Continue to build, don’t look back, be who you are and with the heart you have move at your pace and own inner peace .Enjoy this time of your life but don’t lose perspective .Reach out but never let anyone control you. Always remember you can ..”pick yourself up...dust yourself off... and start all over again....”. I’ve done it more than my share of times but very happy presently..
Love to you../
Your dog is adorable!😘
I come away from reading your postings with a sense you may be subconsciously searching for a dom to help you explore your sub characteristics, especially in the non-sexual aspects. I've known many who cultivate performative personas, especially sexual(ized) ones, who often confuse characterological longings as as result of those personas, instead of besides or in addition to them.
Just Just my three cents... and 30 years of experience in the arena.
P.S. Shulman's tome is, indeed, excellent & automatic canon material.
Be well.
Needed this one Ty, thank you xx
So happy you’re sharing your writing again. ‘What comes next’ is the essence of life. Whatever you do, keep on writing about it. And remember what the poet Rilke once wrote, “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue.”
As I figured out how to address this article -genuinely, and not as some kind of view grab on YouTube or Twitter - I ended up realising that the organisation of your journey contrasts interestingly to the chaos of mine.
Choosing my "brand" perhaps was -too- self aware. Neither wanting to be attached to my real name (which only persists because I'm too lazy and confounded by the local process of legally changing) I didn't want to limit myself, set myself on a course; be restricted to one version of myself before even testing the waters. And so I became the three most notable and uninteresting parts of myself. Rural, gay, and a boy. The irony being that three years after this vaguery, the death of my YouTube saw me actually narrowing myself into the niches I found comfort in. My avoidance lead to a definition while your definition, shall we say, brought you back to the vaguer form of yourself.
Maybe it's because sex has always been a detached part of my life, or my anorgasmia taking me out of the action, making me a passive observer to my own destruction as a bottom, or dominance as a top, but I don't think anyone is truly "great" at sex. Not in any truly definable categories. The most beautiful coco can be ruined by untalented hips, and even the best stroke game becomes dull when the bedroom manner doesn't lend to the pleasure and connection. And to jump paragraphs ahead, nothing to me can fix the ultimate crime of non-communication. My journey to my fetishes has been long, complex, and character building. They're a part of my sexual knowledge and desires as much as knowing what dick sizes only hit my second hole, and which pass through it. Learning to ask for them took a while, but harder still was to learn to properly resent the promises, boasts, and fickleness of the men who promised to fulfill them.
The times a man has promised to choke me all the way out only to barely graze my throat with his hand, to mercilessly gape my whore hole only to use slow strokes and barely hear me begging for it "harder and faster" because he doesn't want to hurt me, to totally ignore my consent, only to stop every five to ask if I was okay when all I was was mentally falling from a orgasmic plateau I've failed to peak for 18 years of my life. My orgasm, a Korok seed; me, Link with a red stamina wheel; another man's misguided consideration, the rain. perhaps this is the true curse of being a "probottom". Unlearning the submissiveness of feeling like your sexual demands and suggestions somehow are an imposition even as your body is the one pushed through rigorous limits to earn the glorious title of "daddy's dirty fucking whore."
Shame. For me, shame is there too. But again, chaotically opposite. I was perhaps no less a whore, sucking my first dick to get condoms bought for me to use on the first ass I'd fuck. But my closet and extreme social isolation made me a whore alone. Countless dicks, holes, even an orgy before reaching 20, but amongst this, no names, no connections. My envy of your and other sex workers' and pornstars' version of whoring is that it came with so many possibilities. Dicks you sucoed became friends, connections, acquaintances to quell the silence of standing alone In another event, club, or gathering. The gapes if your holes bridged conversation and closed barriers. Basically, my sex was always a part of my life, and the greatest aspect of your perhaps overshared and exposed sex lives was how social it was. How ordinary it became to someone for whom sex was always the shameful side-excursion of a weekend out of town. A pretty picture painted by my own lacking? Most likely, but one I'd hope shows a new light to your experience and how it may effect those it was "overexposed" to.
If we write the pages of our book, then why worry about filling it with everything? All the possibilities and the angles, all the options. Our book is ours but the world is a library and we learn from others as we learn from ourselves. Your life has taught me, both the curated public brand version, and the one that comes out in your writing.
All this (on my walk to work) to say that I can relate to points here, even if only in contrast. Our lives always have an insular element to them, no matter how extroverted we can be, and our whatifs can become big monoliths of unexplored regrets if we let them. Maybe knowing what your journey has helped others see, avoid, learn, or even unlearn, could tear down those darknesses and make your taken path feel less like a "should I have?" And more like a "it's good I have"...even if this still means taking a totally new path in a totally new frame of mind, with a new "brand" name.